41 Funniest Voicemail Greetings in the World

Many years ago, in a time before cell phones (Yes it exists, and I remember it!) I used to get inundated with phone calls to my landline at all times of day and night. It was my own fault; I was a student and shared an apartment with a fellow student. We had fun by leaving funny voicemails on our answering machines and the news quickly spread through school and even across the whole county I lived in.

We even had regular listeners and if we didn’t change the message frequently enough, we got disgruntled callers asking us why we hadn’t any new voicemail greetings.

I’d like to think we were pioneers in our field, and with the advent of the cell phone now anyone can set up a witty voicemail, and the evidence points to the fact that many people love to amuse us with their funny voicemail greetings. 

So, below are a compilation of some of the funniest voicemails in the world compiled by an old hand at the game. 

The World’s Funniest Voicemail Greetings

1. No one answers phone calls anymore; send me a text.
2. Hey! It’s (YOUR NAME HERE). So, ha ha funny story, my phone and I are playing hide and seek, and it’s winning. I’ll call you back as soon as I find it.  Hey before you leave that message, do you want to know something about me? I love jokes. You want to know something I hate? I hate long messages, so why don’t you leave a short one and I’ll get back to you. If you leave a long one don’t count on it.
3. Hey! It’s ____. Do you want to hear a joke? Knock, knock! Who’s there? Not me, so leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can!
4. Hi…You have reached (name). I am unable to answer your call. Leave your name and number and I will return your call…If you are a bill collector, please send me a self-addressed stamped envelope so I can send you my latest bills. Have a great day!
5. Hey… Who is this? …Who? … Oh, I hate you. You are the worst!
6. Hey It’s _____. Here are three things you probably shouldn’t do right now: One – Don’t leave a message. It’s boring to listen to and a waste of my time, Two – Don’t call me back. I didn’t answer for a reason so just keep that in mind, Three – Don’t expect a call back. It’s not gonna happen so you might as well forget about it. So, keep those things in mind the next time you call me. OK, thanks, bye!
7. Hello, you have reached _____. The reason I haven’t picked up is because you have been rejected! Thank you.
8. (Name) is not available to take your call as of right now. If you are family/friends, press 1. If you are someone looking to give me a job, press 2. If you are one of the multiple out-of-area code numbers that constantly insist upon calling me, even though you should know by now I’m never going to answer, press the end button.
9. The number you have reached is currently not in service, but when I wake up and turn my phone back on, it will be!
10. Hello……. Ha Ha, tricked you! Leave a message at the tone.
11. Hey this is _____ and if you hear this, I either think you’re crazy and I don’t want to talk to you, or I’m trapped under something heavy. Leave a message.
12. Who is this? How did you get this number?
13. Hi! It’s [Your Name Here]! Let’s Meet Up! I’m Close! (make running sounds then cut off).
14. Hello, and thank you for calling the Starstripe Mental Hospital. If you need to reach a patient, please press 1 and then say their name. If you are delusional, please have either you or your monkey press 2 and we will connect you to the Mothership. If you have short term memory loss and you don’t know who we are or why you called, please press 3 and we will remind you. If you are dying… well that is not our problem and we cannot do anything about it. If you want to sell us something… this number is no longer valid. Thank you for calling Starstripe Mental Hospital and have a nice day.
15. You have reached the voicemail box of (your name). If you’re a hot chick/guy, you may leave a message at the tone. If you’re one of (your name)’s friends, you may also leave a message at the tone. If you’re not hot and not one of (your name)’s friends, call back when you are.
16. This is the voicemail box of The Goddess. Bow down and leave your humble message after the beep.
17. Hi, sorry, but my therapist says I should spend more time “finding myself” than messing with a cell phone. So, leave a message after I stop crying.
18. Hey, oh my god, I was just getting ready to call you. I’m so bored and was wondering what you were doing. Well probably getting ready to leave me a voicemail, but when I call you back will you let me know? Thanks.
19. Hello, maybe I actually picked up the phone, but I’m bored so I’m pretending to be the voicemail. Hey, don’t be such a critic! Would you rather I pretend to be a sofa cushion? (pause) Sorry, I can’t get to the phone right now because I’m pretending to be a sofa cushion but leave a message and maybe I’ll get back to you when pigs fly.
20. Hello? Oh, hey wait a minute I can’t hear you… Sorry, hold on… Nope, still can’t hear you. You want to know why? Because I’m not here right now. So, leave a message at the beep.
21. Hello, if you’re hearing this, that means I’m probably trying to avoid you, so don’t leave a message, because nobody likes you.
22. Hello? … Yea … Uh huh … Yea … No, you stop yelling at me … Oh, you’re yelling alright … you know what, I’m hanging up … yes, I am … (Beep) –
23. (Very long pause) Wait! Please don’t hang up! I want to hear what you have to say.
24. Hello. I’m sorry I didn’t answer your call. I’m just waiting for more important people to call. If I hear your message and deem you worthy or the title “important,” I will think about calling you back, but for now. Bye! 
25. Hello? (Pause) You’re still talking!? Shut the **** up!
26. I don’t know who you are, and I don’t know what you want. But you can tell me all of that in the message you leave me.
27. Hi, you have reached (names) voicemail. If you want money or to sell us something, we a) Gave at the office, b) Already have it, or c) Don’t want it. If you are a friend, trying to give us money or just want to talk, then leave a message or try my cell phone number.
28. (sing to call me maybe) “Hey, I missed your call, I hope you aren’t crazy, But leave your name, I will call you maybe!”
29. Whatever unfortunate chain of events has led you to call my number this time! Leave your story here and I’ll call when I can.”
30. You have reached the number you most recently dialed.
31. You have reached this mailbox by mistake. Check the Number and call back!
32. I’m glad you called, but I’m not home, but I’ll be back before too long. You’ve got to wait for the beep, you’ve got to leave your name, you’ve got to leave your number, wait for the beep! *BEEP*
33. Hello, you’ve reached the (First and Last name) dyslexia helpline. Please leave a massage.
34. You have reached the Gestapo Speech Therapy Unit. We have ways of making you talk. Please leave your message after the slightly disguised scream at the end. You will leave your message NOW!
35. Like Totally, like Wow. Like I’m not here right now, leave a message at the beep and I’ll call you back if you’re not a creep.
36. Talk to the voicemail because (your name) don’t want to talk.
37. I have a very unique voice mail message that many people have wanted me to put on their phone. Can you help me sell this and set up for a percentage of the cost.
38. Studies show that people that leave messages are usually intelligent, outgoing, friendly, and motivated, People that hang up are usually dark, depressed, cynical and sometimes psychotic. Please categorize yourself at the tone.
39. Hey, hello and how do you do? leave a short message, and I will get back to you.
40. Hello? Pause… Hello? Pause… Hello? Hey, who is this? Pause… I think we’ve got a bad connection; can you speak up? Pause… All right, I think you should probably just leave your name and number at the tone!
41. Hello? … I can barely hear you, speak up. Okay that’s better. Okay so what did you want? …  Oh, that’s nice, but I want you to leave your name and number after the beep. Bye!